THE NEW PRIEST

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A new priest arrived in Texas and was preparing his first mass. He was so nervous he could hardly speak.

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After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

  • Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
  • There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  • There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  • Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  • Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  • We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  • The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
  • David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  • When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’tsay he was stoned off his ass.
  • We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  • When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”
  • The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
  • The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
  • Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

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