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All good Texans already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who decided to stick around, we’ve got some rules for you.

1. We don’t pretend that other people don’t exist or become rude when we meet strangers. We wave from our cars. We say hi at the store. We’re friendly. If you want to fit in, you’re going to have to develop some social skills.

2. Don’t laugh at people’s names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man’s butt for less than that.

3. Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda — this can lead to a merciless beating. Here in Texas it’s called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. But don’t ever call a Dr Pepper a Coke, especially in Waco; you’re liable to end up in the hospital.

4. Don’t show allegiances to any college football squad that isn’t a Texas team. Quite frankly, we don’t care about how Michigan and Massachusetts are doing.

5. Don’t refer to Texans as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you, better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We’ve got plenty of business sense – so much that our economy is the best in the world. We don’t care if you think we’re dumb, we know better!

6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.

7. Don’t order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you’re from up north. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don’t put sugar in your grits.

8. Don’t attempt to fake a Texas accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.

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9. Don’t go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don’t like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.

10. We open doors for our ladies. We don’t care if you Yankees think it’s sexist, we’ve been raised to treat our women with proper respect. Get used to it.

11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It’s like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.

12. DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don’t push your luck!

13. Last, but by no means least… George Strait is the best musician in the history of the world. That’s why we call him King George. All others bow down to him. The sooner you get that straight, the sooner you’ll understand why we just don’t care about your silly noise bands from up north. If we wanted to hear music that sounds like a sawmill, we’d go to a freaking sawmill.


Welcome to Texas. We are who we are and if you don’t like it… leave.

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