DEADLY MYSTERY ILLNESS SWEEPS CHICAGO, 300K+ DEAD IN 2 HOURS, TOLL RISING

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Lydia Cunningham lost both her husband and son late Wednesday evening to the mysterious illness sweeping through the greater Chicago area.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without them.” she told the Chicago Weekly Sun. “They seemed fine just this afternoon, and then they watched a baseball game together.”

Doctors are at a loss.

Dr. Terry Littlepage of Chicago Presbyterian Medical Center says that he’s never seen anything like it.

“Doctors are nicknaming the mystery disease as ‘Crocodile Syndrome’ since most of the patients begin crying and simultaneously laughing hysterically before expiring with their jaws locked permanently into a haunting smile.”

Tom Williams, a goat farmer who claims sole responsibility for reversing the curse of the goats, tells our reporter that he knows exactly what is going on in Chicago.

“I have a friend in Chicago who is no longer with us, but I know what is happening,” he excitedly proclaimed, “Just yesterday Dave told me again that if the Chicago Cubs won the World Series he was going to die a happy man. It is something he’s been saying for the past 25 years. I know that is what is happening!”

Tom may be on to something.

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs. After winning 8-7 in extra innings, It’s been 108 long years.

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This story is satire and is congratulatory in nature to the Chicago Cubs. While it is almost certain that Cubs fans will be excited, we hope that there are no heart attacks or mysterious deaths. Enjoy your victory. Next season the Astros or Rangers will be crowned World Champions, so enjoy it while it lasts. -iamatexan.com

Feature Photo credit: Providence Hospital

Story by Jon Williams. Dedicated to my Uncle Tom and friend Terry who have been waiting a long time for this moment.

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