POLICE RESPOND TO REPORTS OF HUNDREDS OF MISSING PERSONS

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Before you read further, this is satire, a joke, a really good joke. Don’t call your local police department over this article.

 

Hundreds, if not thousands, of people are missing from all over Texas.

“I can’t explain it,” says Joel Merriman of Denton. “My brother-in-law was always a presence on social media, always making fun of the Cowboys. Now that they are 8-1, I haven’t heard from him, and he won’t respond to anything I post on his facebook wall.”

It’s true.

All across the state, those football fans who are known as “Cowboy Haters” have been disappearing, until they are nowhere to be found.

A person speaking on behalf of the Garland Police Department says that many of the ‘missing’ aren’t missing at all. They can be found at the local sporting goods store trying to purchase Cowboys jerseys and gear before the bandwagon gear is all sold out. The others have crawled into little holes and will reemerge sometime after the Super Bowl.

“I haven’t heard from my father all year!” says Lindsay Olson, “He is a Steelers fan, and I am a Cowboys fan. He was always posting memes about Tony Romo and the Cowboys. Now he’s gone. I don’t know when or if I will ever see him again.”

Don’t worry.

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They’re just embarrassed. Kind of like your friends who voted for Hillary.

Give them time. They’ll come back to you.

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