Posted by Staff on August 06, 2014
The Texas-U.S. border wall will protect Texans from foreigners who do not share their beliefs and customs.
WACO, TX—Calling it an essential step toward securing the Texas border and protecting his people's way of life, Gov. Rick Perry announced Tuesday the planned construction of a 1,953-mile wall designed to keep out millions of unwanted Americans.
According to Perry, the
75-foot-high barricade running along the northern boundary is the
culmination of more than 160 years of escalating tensions between Texas
and the United States.
Though a protective barrier has been under consideration for decades, the Texas Legislature voted unanimously to begin construction on the project immediately following the 2012 presidential election.
"As governor, it is my responsibility to do whatever is necessary to maintain the territorial integrity of Texas," Perry told reporters during a press conference held inside a sniper tower overlooking Oklahoma. "If you are a Texas citizen, you shouldn't have to worry about some American coming in here, using your goods and services, and taking away your job."
"Let the record show I have nothing personal against Americans," Perry added. "I just think they should stay in America, where they belong."
The wall is comprised of six security layers: a
razor-wire fence equipped with motion sensors, surveillance cameras,
and guard towers; a 70-foot-wide trench with expert marksmen stationed
along its perimeter; a roadway patrolled by armed vehicles equipped with
synchronized electromagnetic wave gradiometers to detect Americans
attempting to tunnel their way into Texas; and a second, third, and
The final section of the barricade, a reinforced concrete enclosure containing the city of Austin, will be finished by August 2015.
"These Americans are destroying the moral and social fabric of our state," said Rep. Chris Turner, who added that he worries when he looks around Texas and sees people from places like Pennsylvania, Iowa, and Vermont. "The man who used to repair my truck was replaced by some mechanic who moved in here from Kansas. Lately I can't go to the store or the bank without running into all kinds of these foreigners. This wall is the only hope we have of keeping Texas safe."
"The truth is, Americans are just different from us," Turner added. "We don't even speak the same language."
According to Texas Army National Guard Brig. Gen. Tom Alford, Americans will only be permitted to cross the border if they have immediate family living in Texas, in which case they can apply for a 90-minute monitored visitation to be held inside a checkpoint detention facility.
However, Alford stressed that any American attempting to transport barbecue sauce, beef jerky, belt buckles, or longhorn cattle back to the United States will face the death penalty.
Thus far, a majority of Texas citizens support the border wall, with nearly 8 million signing up to join a coalition of Minutemen that will guard the fence.
"These good-for-nothing Americans want to come in here and wait in the same lines as me, watch the same movies, and eat at the same restaurants," El Paso resident and border patrol volunteer Larry Carlile told reporters. "Who do they think they are? I'd never dare waltz into America and act like I owned the place. That country's a godforsaken hellhole, anyway."
"Round 'em up and get 'em out," Carlile added. "Go back to Seattle or whatever you call it."
the wall's announcement, there has been no official comment from
Washington. However, sources close to President Obama said that upon
being informed of Gov. Perry's announcement the commander-in-chief
muttered, "Praise Allah."
Of course this article is a joke based upon satire in "The Onion" from 2009. If Texas does actually construct a wall, there would be a Texas cheer so loud that Canadians would have to cover their ears.
Why we shoot deer in the wild: (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well, and actually tried this) I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat [...]
The sound of Martha’s voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to Brother Jim’s face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all the children called her, just seemed to ooze faith, hope, and love wherever [...]
Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to find out! Click here to [...]
Proud Texan? Show your pride every day! Click here.JOKE:A man from Oregon walked into a bar outside Midland, Texas and ordered a beer just as President Obama came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately, a customer at [...]
The Texas cowboy rode into the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. He stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun [...]
Author UnknownBeing a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Golden Retriever named Bear. The dog’s owners, Kent, his wife, Jamie, and their little girl, Ashley, were all very attached to Bear, and they were hoping for a miracle.I examined Bear and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we [...]
by Jon Williams (www.IAmATexan.com)As an Army Veteran who was working as a contractor attached to the 25th Infantry Division (same Division as Bergdahl) in a nearby FOB when Bowe Bergdahl went missing, I feel the need to speak out on the situation (notice I don’t ascribe rank to him, I will address that later). A few days ago, [...]
The following commencement address was given last week to the graduates of the University of Texas by Naval Admiral William H. McRaven. McRaven is the commander of U.S. Special Operations and oversaw the mission that killed Osama bin Laden. Being an Aggie, it pains me to post a speech that ends with “Hook ‘em horns", [...]
by Edna MaeSomeone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a [...]